When you’re trying to land your first job or looking to make a big leap, it’s helpful to talk to someone who can provide guidance and answer your questions. That sort of relationship can accelerate your efforts, but only if you proceed thoughtfully.

Whether you’re looking for a formal mentoring relationship or just hoping for a quick call or coffee with someone already in the industry, treat the process as you would any major project. Take the time to prepare, and set a specific goal for what you’d like to learn and achieve.

The most effective people come prepared with answers to common questions along with the questions they wish to ask. Here is how I approach it when mentoring someone or when looking for a mentor myself.

A quick aside: A lot of us love the opportunity to help others grow, and will jump at the chance if we have the time and energy. So don’t be afraid to reach out to someone you think might be able to help you.

What are you looking to gain from our conversation?

Are you looking to build a personal network, or are there specific questions you hope I can answer? Both are perfectly valid, and it isn’t necessarily binary, but it’s good to be clear about what you’re after early on. For example, I’m not generally interested in networking (meeting people just to connect; I can find this draining). I am interested in meeting people I can learn from and whom I may be able to benefit in turn.

These goals are both good, but the purpose and results are very different. In my experience, the best long term network is built on early conversations that are genuine and candid. (No different from any other valuable relationships in our lives.)

Looking to learn?

Here are some questions people have asked me that prompted great conversations:

• Do I need to specialize as a designer or should I be a generalist?
• I’m worried about joining a startup as the only designer for my first job; should I join a bigger company instead?
• Do I really need to network to find a job?
• I eventually want to do _____. What steps should I follow to get there?

What I’ll often ask

I don’t have a script for these conversations, but there are some foundational topics that always come up. Inevitably, I’ll want to learn:

• How you think I can help. Seriously, why me? Is my career path similar to what you’re interested in? Do you feel I can shed light on areas that you aren’t familiar with in the hiring process? Maybe you feel that I can connect you with someone who can help you move forward. All are 100% valid and worth talking through.
• If you’re looking for a new role, I want to know what you’re looking for and why. Now, you may not know exactly what role to go for. That’s okay, we can dig into that, but it does require that you have some general thoughts in mind. For example, if you’re a designer, are you interested in landing your first design job, or are you perhaps trying to understand a different, related role that might be more interesting?
• Your goals, both long term and short term. If you’re just starting out, you may be focused on finding your first job, which is a different conversation from someone who wants to talk through whether they want to become a manager or switch to a different field.
• Why you’ve chosen the field you’re in. It’s possible that we’ll discover you aren’t as excited about it as you thought you would be. In those cases, we may switch gears to talk through a different, and hopefully better, career path.

How would you like to talk?

This may sound odd, but the clearer you are regarding how you’d like to meet, the easier it will be to get things set up. Some key things to think about:

• Meeting in person has huge benefits for communication and building a connection, but scheduling can be hard. It may also be uncomfortable for some people to meet a total stranger. Be open to a phone or video call initially. I’ve even had some great conversations in Slack.
• Decide how much time you think you’ll need. A good target is 30–45 minutes, not counting travel time. If you have a good conversation, you can always extend or set up another time to meet.
• Make it convenient if you’re meeting in person. As the mentor is investing their time to help you, do your best to make it as easy as possible for them. Ask which times would work best and the area of town they would prefer.
• Think about the location. Provide a couple of options that are public, like a library or coffee shop, and avoid bars. You may eventually be comfortable to meet over a beer, but now isn’t the time to add alcohol to the dynamic.
• Be flexible. Calendars can get overbooked and on occasion, a high-priority conflict will come up at the last minute, so you may have to reschedule.

What to avoid

• Hopefully, this is clear by now, but do not come unprepared, expecting the other person to have a list of things to teach you.
• Don’t be slow to reply. If you get a response from someone willing to help you, jump on the opportunity quickly.
• On the other side, be flexible on their response times. Don’t badger them if you don’t receive an immediate response. If you don’t hear back within a week, send a polite follow-up.
• Don’t view this as a transaction. Even if someone isn’t able to give you their time now, set a foundation for the future, when they may have more flexibility.
• Do not view this as a dating opportunity. Seriously. I’ve had friends and colleagues (all women) who were put in an awkward situation where men requesting mentorship thought it was more than that.

Updates are good

Mentors love to hear how things are progressing. Personally, it surprises me when people I’ve met don’t follow up to ask additional questions or let me know how things are going. If you’ve met with someone who is interested in helping you with your career, they’ve chosen to invest in you, so take advantage of the opportunity to cement the relationship.

Mentorship is symbiotic

The design community is pretty tight-knit. Building a strong relationship with a mentor can pay huge dividends in the long run, as your mentors can play a key role in your network, connecting you to others and possibly even providing you opportunities directly. Who knows, down the road, you may be able to return the favor!

For the mentor, the investment of time and energy is often exciting, and for many of us, helping awesome people like you take their next step is a way that we give back to the community and acknowledge those who’ve helped us with our careers.

Dealing with someone who isn’t performing at the level they should be is frustrating. It’s stressful. And honestly, it can be scary when it escalates to the point of needing to let someone go. It’s been the hardest part of my job, bar none.

It’s also one of the most important responsibilities that any leader shoulders. But here’s the thing: Our job isn’t to manage performance because frankly, we can’t manage another human’s performance.

Let’s pause for a second and think through how different life would be if we truly could manage how someone else performs, via a snippet from one of my favorite episodes of The Simpsons.

Homer: “Are you guys working?”
Team: “Yes, sir, Mr. Simpson.”
Homer: “Could you, um, work any harder than this?”
Team: “Sure thing, boss.”

Well, that was easy! We’re done here…

Okay, so back to reality: Telling people to work harder, faster, or better isn’t an effective tactic. Instead, what we can do is provide clear feedback in a timely manner and support the team members responsible for meeting, if not surpassing, our expectations.

While some performance issues aren’t recoverable, many can be addressed. And when they’re caught early enough, our investment is minimal (assuming the employee is invested in improving).

A bit of context

Just so you know where I’m coming from, here are some of the situations I’ve faced in my career:

• As a new manager, I’ve had to fire someone I had previously promoted against my boss’s advice. This person lied about me to that same boss while I was sitting right there at the same table. And yet, this was still immensely hard for me. I wanted nothing else than to avoid the situation altogether. (I didn’t.)
• I’ve provided feedback to people on other teams who came to me for perspective on how they should handle being placed on a performance improvement plan.
• I’ve worked with people on my team who were at risk of being fired due to poor performance. In some cases, we were able to get them on the right path. In others, it was clear they needed a different environment to be successful.
• I’ve had countless conversations with other managers regarding how to handle someone who isn’t performing, either because I needed a sounding board or they did.

Note that as tough as these situations are for us, there is no doubt they are much harder for the person on the receiving end.

To start: What are we talking about here?

Underperformance. As a concept, it seems pretty clear. Either someone is doing well enough or they aren’t, right?

Nope.

Often, our goals aren’t clearly defined and measurement is subjective. (“Could you, um, work harder than this?”) What do we mean by “collaborates well with others” or “meets expectations?” Poor communication and misaligned expectations are key drivers for poor performance.

In these cases, the failure belongs to the manager, not the team member.

Take a second with that: It’s on us, not them.

But that’s good news, as it’s much easier for us to improve how we communicate than it is for us to get another human to make big changes. (Also, setting clear guidelines and communicating well are part of the job description of a good manager).

The different levels of feedback

Normal guidance

Daily, we’re expected to ensure that our team functions to the best of its ability, and that the people we serve have every opportunity to live up to their potential. For people who are performing well, we only need to provide the occasional nudge.

Providing clear feedback in a timely fashion is a hard skill to develop, but most people appreciate and can act on concise, actionable feedback when the situation is still fresh in their minds. In fact, motivated people want to improve and appreciate that you are there to help them.

Piling it all up until you “have the time” to address it or have “enough” examples to warrant a conversation will overwhelm the recipient, often putting them in a defensive position. At that point, they’re no longer looking to improve; they’re looking to get out of trouble.

Because of this, you should always deliver feedback in person and provide time for a discussion. No one appreciates drive-by feedback, and feedback delivered via email, Slack, or text has a very high likelihood of being misinterpreted.

And most important of all: Do not soften your feedback because you’re worried about coming across as mean. That’s just you trying to protect your ego.

“Clear is kind.
Unclear is unkind.”

Dr. Brené Brown

Doubling down when you see a trend

If the same issue(s) crop up more than once, it’s on us to deliver the same clear feedback to ensure that it sinks in. But before diving in again, take the time to evaluate how you shared the feedback and recommendations. See if you can deliver the same message in a slightly different way that might be more effective.

As you talk, be sure to tie the new round of feedback to previous conversations. It’s important that you both to recognize the behavior as a trend that needs to change, not a one-time event.

It’s also important for the team member to understand that this is an opportunity to drive their own growth. As much as possible, they should define possible solutions while we provide light guidance or ideas. They won’t grow very much if we dictate exactly what has to change and how. (That comes later, if needed.)

Shifting from “hey, I noticed this…” to “this needs to change…”

Sometimes providing clear feedback on what to improve isn’t enough. If repeated guidance doesn’t result in a positive change or if a particularly problematic issue has cropped up for the first time, we need to make the gravity of the situation crystal clear.

In these times, the manager’s role becomes more serious and more prescriptive. This may be a hard conversation but we must approach it with the intent of helping the employee hit expectations, so the language we use and our presence of mind have a huge impact.

When we approach this conversation, we should be prepared to discuss:

1. The issue that needs to be resolved, including the fact that it remains unaddressed or poorly handled even after previous conversations

For example: “We’ve talked about you missing deadlines without warning a couple of times over the last two weeks, and even though we talked through ways for you to fix it, you missed another one this week without letting me know. I’d like to understand why and talk through what needs to change so it doesn’t happen again.”

2. What we specifically expect to see change

For example: “Going forward, you need to implement the changes we discussed before, namely that you’ll ‘raise a flag’ early to let the team know if something looks like it will slip and why.”

3. When that change needs to be in place, and the expectation that it isn’t just a one-time change

For example: “I expect this to be how we work together from this point forward, so we don’t see any more surprises.”

4. What will happen if it occurs again (which may lead to the next section)

For example: “I know you have the skills and drive to make the changes needed, and I’m here 100% to support you. My aim is that we won’t need to have this conversation again. But if we do, you need to understand that our next conversation will have serious implications for your career here.”

Documenting your agreement

Two people often walk away from the same conversation with different memories of what was discussed (or what was important), especially when emotions are involved. So take the time to send an email summary of what you discussed, laying out the situation, the feedback delivered, and the proposed remedies. This can eliminate ambiguity and provide the employee with the opportunity to highlight any gaps or disagreements. It also highlights the importance of the conversation.

Getting formal

Sometimes people continue to miss expectations and it looks like we’ve hit the end of the road. Once we, as humans, have made up our mind that someone isn’t performing, it can be hard to see that they may ever be able to fix it. Frustration and apathy can kick in at this, the worst possible time.

Distance compounds that impression so your boss, being a step removed, has less of an opportunity to see the potential for improvement; the same is true for Human Resources (HR). So, while you’re likely already stressed about how to handle the situation, they may be telling you to “make the call,” “rip off the bandaid,” and “get it over with.”

In an experienced organization, there will be an established process to follow to ensure that everything is documented and the company is covered.

In some companies, that process is simply a checklist with a 100% chance the employee will be fired. But in a good organization, it provides a real (and final) opportunity for the team member to improve their performance and avoid being let go.

Either way, it’s up to us to do right and treat this step as a last chance for meaningful change. We owe it to the human whose livelihood, identity, and self-confidence is on the line.

Entering the dreaded PIP

There are different formats for a PIP (Performance Improvement Plan), but at the heart of it, it’s a formalized version of the steps I laid out above, often treated as an actual contract with signatures to verify that the employee has seen the plan, even if they don’t agree with it. You’ll work with HR to build a plan ahead of meeting with the employee, the key aspects of which are:

1. Where the employee is underperforming and what constitutes expected performance
2. What exactly needs to change
3. Specific, measurable objectives that show progress
4. A timeline for when changes will be in place and the length of the program, which will be tied to the amount of time required to observe results. It should also include a schedule for how often you will meet to review progress.
5. A clear statement that the employee owns with listed goals and requests for any support they will need from the manager or company
6. The consequences of not meeting the objectives

While it’s hard to implement a PIP as a manager, it will be harder for the recipient. It’s tempting to soften the blow but that risks muddying the importance of the situation. Be clear and reinforce that you are there to help, but it is on them to succeed.

This process requires a true investment of time and energy on both of your parts. You must be truly invested in their pulling through and proving themselves. Anything less is a failure. They must also be interested in making the needed changes, with the goal of staying on the team.

Making a decision

At the end of the program, there are two options: Either the team member still isn’t meeting expectations, or they have improved to the needed level. There should be no middle ground. Extending the plan for someone who isn’t quite meeting the stated goals is avoidance.

It’s still not working

Even with all of your effort, and perhaps good faith on the part of the employee, you may find that their performance still isn’t at the level where you need it to be. If you laid out your plan well and communicated clearly throughout, then it should be clear to all involved that it’s time for the employee to move on to another company. Be clear and kind when you have this conversation. If they tried, thank them for their effort, and ease the transition out as best you can.

We did it!

It’s exciting when all of your hard work has paid off and you can see someone reach the potential you know they have. Congratulate and thank them for their effort — it was a lot! Then be sure to clearly communicate that everything is not going to return to how it was — this is the new normal.

Wrapping up

Take the time to think through how you give feedback and when. Don’t let it simmer and don’t weaken it by trying to be nice. Provide as much support as you can without taking ownership of the employee’s responsibility for their behavior.

Doing this will help them grow and in time, you will earn their trust as you show that you truly care about them as an individual.

Isn’t that what we all want?

Originally published on Modus.

Bottle Logic Recursion IPA Illustration by Emrich Office